WRITTEN RESOURCES
Going Deeper
These Going Deeper readers support the learning in our courses and retreats by taking some of the ideas we explore together and giving them more room.
Relationships are complicated. What happens between two people is shaped by what is happening within each person, the patterns that develop between them, and the experiences they each bring into the relationship. Some of those ideas can be introduced in a session, but they deserve more than a quick explanation.
Each reader takes one of those ideas and works through it carefully. They are written to help you understand the idea, recognise how it may show up in real relationships, and think about what that understanding might change.
You do not need to read them in order. Start with something that is relevant to you, return to something from a course or retreat, or follow a topic you want to understand more deeply. Each reader stands on its own, and the collection will continue to grow as we develop new resources.
ONE
Understanding yourself
What happens inside me?
PLANNED
Window of Tolerance
Why some situations are easier to handle than others, what happens when stress pushes us beyond what we can manage, and how we find our way back.
Threat Responses
What happens when something feels threatening and the body moves quickly into fight, flight, freeze or other protective responses.
Flooding
What happens when we become so overwhelmed in a difficult moment that it becomes harder to think clearly, listen or stay engaged.
Shame
How shame shapes what we believe about ourselves and what we do when we feel exposed, inadequate or afraid of being seen differently.
TWO
Understanding what happens between people
What happens between us?
PLANNED
Differentiation
How to stay connected to someone you care about while still holding onto your own thoughts, feelings and sense of self.
Co-regulation
How another person’s presence, tone and response can help us settle or make it harder to settle, and how we do the same for them.
Over-functioning and Under-functioning
How one person taking on more and more can gradually leave the other doing less, and how both can become caught in a pattern neither intended.
Repair
What happens after something goes wrong between us, and how the way we come back to hurt, misunderstanding or conflict can change what happens next.
THREE
Understanding what we carry into relationships
What am I bringing with me?
PLANNED
Family of Origin
How the family we grew up in shapes what feels normal to us in relationships, including closeness, conflict, emotion, roles and expectations.
Relational Templates
How past relationships can quietly shape what we expect from people now, what we notice, and how we respond when something feels familiar.
Betrayal
What happens when trust is seriously broken, why its effects can continue long after the event, and what that can do to safety, intimacy and the way we read the relationship.
Life Transitions
How major changes in life can alter the shape of a relationship and require two people to find their way with each other again.